Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. And, as usual, everything's gone horribly wrong.

Good morning, Mrs. Heavens. Good morning, the rest of you. A light-hearted gambol through the newspapers. It's Rhod's Coffee Morning, 11 till 12. Unfortunately, my co-host today, Barry Castagnola, hasn't turned up. He contacted the show at 11:00 ... at 10:53, ... we start at 11:00 ... he said at 10:53, "Rhod, I've overslept." ... oh, no, that's Lloyd Langford I'm doing there. I can't ... I'm not very good at impressions apart from Lloyd Langford. ... He said, "Rhod, I've overslept, mate. I'm really sorry. I've never done this in my life." ... Uh, he's on his way, he __ assure__ me. In the meantime I've just got you texts. ... I'll tell you what. It's a tricky morning today. We've got no co-host, like I say. The other thing is, the printer is playing up. What happens, you see, is, you text and email the show, and then the production team in Cardiff email it to me in my kitchen, where Jack, the producer in kitchen, pulls it off the printer and hands it to me. It's quite a convoluted process here in the 21st century. Uh ... uh, "What a cracking start !" says Chris in Newport, "Go for it, Rhod. I'm loving it already," __, I can ... you know, I can taste a sarcasm, uh, in that, Chris, thank you. ... And then, somebody called __ __ sent __ in __ Twitter. It says, "Here's some pointless news for you. Brilliant !" ... And then, underneath that, where I presume the pointless news for me that __ __ thinks is brilliant, the page is blank. So, I've got no co-host and blank pages coming out of the printer. And then I get this: "Hi Rhod, I'm stuck in Vietnam, where the BBC is blocked by law." Huh. You don't know what you are missing. "It's blocked by law. I __ __ __ed to downloading your best bits from elsewhere. ..." I, uh ... it could be a fairly frimsy best bits this week, I __ __ you that, Brennan. Uh ... "I __ finally decided to install __ VPN" ... I don't even know what that is, " ... at a great cost to myself. 75 cents per month. Yes, whopping 75 United States cents every month, just, only, solely so that I can fool that internet thing into believing I'm in the UK and thus listen to your show live via ... via the BBC Radio Wales __ __ " ... I'm a bit lost __ __ Brennan, but I get your point / 途中話が見えなくなったが、言いたいことはわかった。 / you are paying 75 cents __ __ you are listening live ... "__ __ today marks the first day I will have the opportunity to hear the entire show. Don't screw it up. / しくじるなよ" ... says Brennan. Um ... what do you think, Brennan? Would you describe this as a screw-up so far? We've got no co-host, he hasn't turned up, he's overslept, and the printer is printing out blank pages. I wouldn't say that was, in any way ... to be hone(st) ... the ... the irony is, Brennan, this show is no worse than usual.

"Hey Rhod, I had the worst Valentine's day." Kev, no, you didn't. I've ju(st) ... I've read ahead. I've read ahead on this. You haven't had the worst Valentine's Day. It's not that bad. "I forgot ... / worst morning __ __ Valentine's Day. / I forgot to write my wife's card." Right? __ ... "She found the blank one." Well, hey, ... don't get me started on blank things today. Uh ... "I've ... I forgot to write __ __ __ she found the blank card, which result__ in an argument via text." All right. You __ argu__ via text . "At work, __ I __ lost __ load of documentation thanks to the power cut the previous night ... which could not be restored. And, after making up with my wife, she fell ill and spent the evening asleep on the sofa. ... I'll be your co-host via email" says Kev. ... Hey, Kev, you are welcome to be my co-host. Uh ... at least I can read your __ __ there's another __ __ there's some more I can read. I can actually read some more here. There are a couple more I can read. ... Tony __ / got sent home from work for / cold / spent rest of the day in bed / we are not there yet, though, are we? / we are not __ yet / none of these are gonna be my top three at the end of this show for __ worst Valentine's Day ... "Mine was amazing" says Victoria __. ... I don't wanna hear about amazing ones, Victoria. ... "I spent it with my girls at work, then the cinema, __ __ in __ __ for tea, and __ spa __ __ / All right. You are gloating. __ This is the kind of thing that I'm looking for: H__ ... H__ ... I don't know how to pronounce your name. H__, H__, 1978 ... this is what I'm looking for: "I spent the entire afternoon planning a future e__y." Boom!

Welcome to Rhod's Lunch Club, with my guest today. ... __ is, Barry Castagnola, who's just ar(rived) ... / __ __ __ and the people of Wales and beyond. / ... Uh, ... ladies and gentlemen, if you've just joined the show, uh, my guest today for ... basically, the show is split into halves, as you may know / Coffee Morning / 12 / Lunch Club, 12:00 to 1:00. Barry was booked for both as co-host, and he's just arrived, ladies and gentlemen. / I thought / for the Lunch Club / I didn't realize that. / Coffee Morning, too / don't you dare. / ずうずうしやつめ / At 10:53, that phone call, "Mate, I'm ... I'm so sorry. I've overslept / never / I don't know what happened / really tired / this week / so sorry / That wasn't it. I'll ... I'll give you three reasons for ... for why I was late. And ... / First of all, apologize to the listners who tuned in ... / I'm so sorry. / ... we had no co-host, and that, __ you are looking at __ __ printer was firing blank ... / I can see that. / ... blank pieces of paper / I can see that, and I feel awful. And, in particular, I feel bad for the ... for the man in Vietnam who tuned in for the first time. / For the first time. ... Were you listening while driving / Yeah, yeah, I was listening, yeah. ... So ... / there's a bloke from V__ __ __ listening live / for the first time ever / "Don't screw it up" he said / got no co-host / it costs 50 cents a minute / 75. / 75 cents a week. / Something like that / to make it money well spent / I'm happy to reimburse __ __ man in Vietnam. More than happy / in fact, I'm gonna donate my fee earned for today / というか、今日のギャラはチャリティーに寄付する / question / believe you now / Barry / you've let us down once. / Well ... let me give ... let me give ... / everything you say / 一度信頼を失ったが最後、言うことが何もかもウソにきこえる / What? There's ... there's a good reason. / (It) just smells. I can smell it. / There's a good ... / everything you say now / happy to co-host the show / Rhod / once you've lied once ... __ __ __ Pandora's box of lies / lie / here are the three reasons. One of these reasons is true. No.1 ... / __ hang on a minute. You __ make me guess / turn it into a feature. / You can't do that. You can't ... you can't ... / The listeners can guess __ __ __ reason is true / school / hockey / guess / reasons / true / school, and you just / can't / can guess / I don't know what school you went to. You ... I didn't play hockey / hockey / what I'm saying is, you should be __ and apologize to __ listeners / not making __ guess / which of the reasons / you haven't turned up / your job / I am ... I am ... / I'm truely ... / game / I'm truely sorry, but ... / but we can play the game. Guess why Barry didn't turn up on Radio Wales. ... OK. / yeah / OK, listeners / OK. ... No.1 reason, ... / Yeah? / ... the floods. / OK. / I, uh ... my house was flooded / electricity went down / go off / digital radio alarm clock / you rang / and told me you overslept. / Uh, yeah. ... Yeah, but __ __ __ __ take too long to explain. / that takes the edge off this game / このクイズは意味ねーよ。お前は電話で「寝坊した」って言ってしまってるから。 / the fact that you rang / Yeah, OK. That's No.1. / No.1. ... No.2, uh, I was just about to leave, and I accidentally dropped a meat ball on a chihuahua's head. / Knocking him out? / Yeah. And __ __ __ __ post by accident __ __ __ vet's / 3 / you overslept / 理由その３: 寝坊したから / I'm ... I'm so embarrassed. Do you know what? This is the most embarrassed I have been, uh, since, uh ... / I've ... I've got things on you __ that embarrassed you worse __ __ / that is / __ __ got stories about you / もっと恥ずかしい話が山ほどあるだろう？ オレは知ってるぞ。/ the only time I've been more embarrassed than this was when I accidentally got dressed and went to school on a Saturday. ... That's the only time. And I got right to the gate as well, and thought, "It's a bit quiet today." / 校門まで行ったんだよ。そこで、「今日はいやに静かだなあ」と思った。

What have you got for us, Barry? / Uh ... Valentine's Day / Oh yeah. / I, uh, I ... I had / pretty grim Valentine's Day / Have you? / I went for / Can I just tell you / lead so far is __ / is in the lead so far ... __ __ spent the afternoon planning __ __ __ / __ __ __ that. / presumably for himself. / Yeah. ... It's not much of a Valentine's Day present, is it? ... "Darling, here's your surprise. ... And I went for a Valentine's Day meal ... it ... it wasn't actually a Valentine's Day meal, but I went out for a meal with a ... with a very good friend, um, whose, uh, whose wife left him. ... That was my, uh ... that was my Valentine's Day / we went to a local, uh, Indian restaurant, and ... uh, roses on the table and everything. ... Yeah, it was highly embarrassing. / Did you? / Yeah. / Is that ... which would you say is more embarrassing, that ... / Yes? / ... or how embarrassed you are / failing to turn up today / today, today / you said / this is the most embarrassed you have been since ... you said something __ __ __ __ turned up __ school __ on a Saturday / yeah, yeah / school uniform / I wondered why it was quiet. ... That was highly embarrassing. I did once ... / Where was your mom? / My mom? ... She was out. She was out. She __ __ work. She is a nurse, so she was already at work. So I didn't, you know, she work__ shift work, so I didn't / breakfast / out / school / Yeah. Off I went. Off I went __ __ I was pretty proud of myself, satchel over my shoulder ... / If that ... / ... spring in my step ... / Yeah, I can imagine you. That story is so much funnier / you / most people / hate / school / you / love / school. Best time of your life. We __ this conversation frequently. And you always say / happiest days __ my life / so good you turned up on a Saturday. / "I'd a grim Valentine ..." says Paul from Swansea. Huh. Look. Is this better than yours? "I worked all day out in the wind and rain. I got home wet and chilled to the bone. I had two ... I had two baked potatos and a tin of beans __ with a sausage d__ed over the top." / Nice. / It's a great word, "d__p", innit? / Brilliant. / A sausage ... sausae d__ed over the top." ... I don't know why he had two baked potatos / why / sometimes __ baked potato / too small so you have to / that's ... that's / either that, or / reference to my, uh ... / two / routine / Could be. / Could be. / Could be. ... This is my favorite bit about this. ... And I'm even thinking about putting this in at No.1, ahead of H__ / __? / ahead of H__, who spent the day / presume / this is my favorite bit. / OK. / It's subtle, but I like it. ... "I had two baked potatos with a tin of beans and sausage d__pped over the top / He's cold. He's wet. / Valentine's Day / I watched __ __ __ __ __ / oh yeah, that's No.1, ... that.

__ yesterday, as well as __ Valentine's Day meal with a friend, whose wife __ left him / Debacle. / I also, uh, / plumber out because / lot of people around / country / be suffering from flooding / there'__ a lot worse state, frankly. / Yeah. / I / inch / my basin / well to, uh ... not __ worry about it / I ... I had a plumber / that's / need to be right now / I had a plumber come yesterday / 昨日、水道屋さんに来てもらったんだが ... / and, uh, he ... / ... / and he ... / I always do that when somebody says, "I had a plumber __ yesterday" / Do it again. ... Here you go. __ __ __ __ train noise? / I don't know. It works. / say it again / I had a plumber yesterday, ... / ... It works. You have to admit it works. / ... who arrived, uh, via British Railways __ 1980's. ... And, uh, he, um, he was __ed by a problem, didn't know what it was / plumber / come out / scratch his head, and / you had a plumber come out / there's an inch of dirty water in your ... in your sink? / Yes. / and he said, uh ... he scratched his head, and he said these words. He said, um, "Well, I don't know. I'll have to / over the internet. I'll have to ask __. / what? / was like / straight out of 90's / gonna ... ask __ ... __ doesn't Google or anything __ __ __ other search engines are available / but who'd ask __ anyghing? / and / other ask-type services are available / Yes, absolutely. / You know. Other b__s are available / Ask J___ / Yeah. ... somebody has said ... has said, "What's happening with Chimp Quiz 11:30 on this show?" ... You may or may not know, Barry, every saturday, 11:30, on this show, right? ... is Chimp Quiz, where I host the Chimp Quiz, I ask my co-host questions about chimps, they answer them, / score out of eight / leader board. Korkey's on five, Lloyd's on five ... / 11 / Lloyd's on four / I apologize / I've just been corrected by the ... by the production team. ... Korkey is on five, in the lead. Lloyd's on four / you were due to play / I don't know whether to ... to shunt Chimp Quiz to 12:30? 12:29 now. Or do we ... do we do it at 12:40? What do you suggest? I mean, you've ... you've created this mess. / 35 / ... Let's play a track. ... Chimp Quiz ... 12:35, everyone / compromise. / Reconvened.

Barry was exactly __ hour late today, ladies and gentlemen. That's why, I'm afraid, __ ... the Chimp Quiz / for those of you who / Chimp Quiz / would have been mightily disappointed / they would have been, yeah. / that is entirely my fault / But here's some good news. / It's coming up now / It's coming up now. Chimp Quiz / 12 ... 12:35 / hang on / cover for a minute / Uh ... / 12:35. Uh ... "Hi ... Hi Rhod / regular podcast listener / Yeah. Cool. / "... first time live." Uh ... "... I've just had my tenth consecutive Valentine as a single." Huh. Ten years single. / Huh. / watched / Gradiator / here you go / made the most of it / you? / my daughter and I spent the evening dry-__ing at the s__iness __ Facebook / district. ... Thanks, C__. You are, uh ... / behind, uh ... the ... the guy who spent the evening watching __ __ __ __ __ and the ... / and the guy who was planning / his own e__py / I've been banged down to fourth / yeah / you're fourth. / Chimp Quiz ! / Chimp Quiz ! / 12:35. Chimp Quiz. ... OK. So, the leader board at the moment is Korkey on five ... / OK. / ... out of eight. You've got eight questions. Eight possible points available to you. Uh ... no ... I won't take any ... / well / any ... uh, appeals. / OK. / Uh ... Lloyd got four __ __ __ / very knowledgeable. / I / chimp question / but / It's ... it's no reflection on Lloyd. It is more reflection on how tough Chimp Quiz can be under these conditions. / OK, yeah. I'm already feeling it. / you said you are feeling nervous / I've lost the questions from one to four. / あれ？ 一番から四番まで失くしたかも。 / ... No, I haven't. I've found them. / OK. / This is the first time I've prepped the questions in advance. / Right. / Normally, I just / panic / ask something. / OK. / OK? / ... I'm ready. / OK. ... First topic ... / Huh huh, / ... is "Hands and Feet". / Right. / ... What do you want, "Hair and Skin" or "Hands and Feet" first? / Uh ... "Hands and Feet", please / Hands and Feet? That's good. / What is the difference ... / huh huh, / ... between human's feet ... OK? __ __ __ in your head / yeah / got that? ... and chimp feet? / ... Well, apart from the obvious that ... / No, no. It could well be the obvious. Chimp Quiz doesn't ignore / now, it could easily be the obvious. / OK. Um ... / Yeah. / __ one belongs to __ ape family, / Oh, do we belong to __ __, though? / s__ / I would say that / chimp's feet ... / yeah / ... uh, can grip on / let me just tell you, you are on the right lines / I would say / the chimp's feet ... / Yeah? / ... can grab onto things / hold / we can't hold anything with our feet. / Well ... I could hold something with my feet. / Not ... not bent round, maybe / like, a pen in between your toes / didn't / on to / hang upside down. / No. I was thinking, actually, of lying on my back / maybe a fruit bowl / on top of / You should be in a circus, tumbling people. / ... Either that or just make a nice bit of furniture. / サーカスにでも行けよ。足の先で人間をぐるぐる回す芸で食っていけるぞ。/ それもいいが、オレとしては、ちょっとした家具としてお役に立てればそれでいい。/ Uh ... do you know what ... so, what are you saying? So, what are you saying, Barry? What's your answer? / I'm saying that ... that chimps / grip / Yeah. But why? / Uh ... "Why?"? / Yeah. / It's evolution, innit? / 何ていうか ... 進化ってやつだ。 / yeah / grip / we can't / they've / だからさ、なぜ足でモノをつかむことができるの？　それを可能にしている、人間にはなくてチンパンジーにはあるものは、何なの？ / they've got ... uh, bendy, sort of, muscly feet. / Yeah, but ... __ __ __ I'm gonna have to push you on this / give you / half a point so far / OK / that's harsh / 厳しいなあ。 / It is harsh. But this is the nature of Chimp Quiz / それがチンプ・クイズだ。 / チンプ・クイズでなかったらもっと甘くしていたところだ / you could say that / got / something they've got. / ... An extra toe? / つま先がもうひとつある? / take / point away / Oh, no, you can't. / Opposable big toes, is what they've got. / That's what I meant. / I know. But you didn't say __ __ no points / naught point / I've got half taken away. / punishment / Yeah. / you're being extra harsh? / Yeah. ... Question 2. / Yeah. / Hair and Skin. / OK. / Chimps ... / Yeah, / ... chimpanzees ... are covered with black hair ... / Huh huh, / ... on most of their bodies except ... ? And I'm looking for four possible points here. / OK. Uh ... their eyes? / You'll have to get three of the four to get a point / new / some of them are too easy. / ... Their eyes? / doesn't say eyes / oh, come on / hair / eyes / they / they haven't got hair / not / answer / assume they do have hairy eyes. / They ... they definitely don't. / I've seen it in __ Monkey World. / I have been to Monkey World. ... My mom's got a season ticket / David Attenborough / Monkey World / she's got __ season ticket for __ Monkey World. ... She does / her partner / in B__ / every week, one week / next / museum / so obsessed with monkeys that they / take / like, uh, cuddly monkeys / they've got 72 cuddly monkeys / all around the place / they all got names, and, Albert, their favorite one, / they take / museum / they dress him in / army / monkey / monkey / world / ... Wait a minute / your ... your mom's got / 72 cuddly monkeys? / Yes. / they've all got names? / They've all got names. / one week / Monkey World / next week / museum / I think she's worried / to the Monkey World / keep them there. / ... They won't. / They definitely won't. / I can tell you that. / already ... they / enough room for / as well / I bought her a monkey once for ... for __ Mothers' Day, for a pound, from a pound shop / why does / She's absolutely obsessed with monkeys / I've gathered that. / so, I walked past a pound shop / monkey in the window / boxing gloves / was brilliant. Mothers' Day. A pound for a monkey. ... I gave it her. And ... and ... she / disappointed / mom / she went / "Oh, it's got boxing gloves on." She didn't like that / save / boxing stuff / save / make / well, I don't know / people / shoulders / in Morocco / getting pictures taken / save that monkey / go to __ Monkey World / and / do you know / she tried to unstitch the boxing gloves on the one pound monkey, and / monkey hands / like, she thought __ manufactuered as a boxing monkey / I love the way your mom / expected / gloves off, and, underneath she expected / bandage / like / boxers / ぬいぐるみのボクシンググラブを脱がせたら、バンデージが巻かれた手が出てくるはずだと ... / Exactly / some music / let's have some music. We / 傑作だな。... さて、音楽でも / hands and feet, though / ちょっと待てよ。クイズの答えを言わせろよ。毛が生えていないのは手と足だろう？ / hang on a minute / back to Chimp Quiz / sorry, hold the music / そうだった。途中だった。おーい、音楽はちょっと待っててくれ。 / hands and feet / yeah, palms / palms, yeah, of course. / fingers / I'll give you that / それは正解と認めよう。 / "feet" ... well, you've gotta be more specific / uh ... opposable big toes? / no / bottom of their feet / bottom of their feet / one / got / must / have hairy eyes / monkey eyes / you are a bit of a David Attenborough. / They definitely haven't got / hairy eyes, though. / clear? / but that's not what I'm looking for. / I'm looking for / actually, you've got __ three out of four / well, it / one. ... Armpits. / who would have thought __ __ __ / Who knew? Who knew?

Question 3. ... Chimpanzees drink water. __ __ agree__ / way of life / no question __ __ __ __ __ / chimpanzees drink water. ... What do they often use as a sponge to s__ up the said water ... soak up the said water? / As a sponge? / Yeah, to get the water, like __ tool / something / cup / sop up / sop up the water / know / word / sopping wet / be leaves / it? / I need more. / Uh ... what? / I need more than "leaf". / Um ... what? ... The ... the type of tree? / No. / Um ... they ... twigs and leaves? / No. / Oh. Um ... being very harsh. This is punishment, isn't it? / No, it's not. / this / punishment for not turning up / if we were doing Chimp Quiz at 11:30, when it was scheduled, I would have allowed that. / 定刻つまり 11:30 に開始できていたなら、大目に見ていたところだが。 / I wish I'd spent / hour for chimp revision / 運転中にチンパンジーのことを復習しとくんだった。 / to try to make it on time / embarrassed / have to hurry you / what kind of leaf / as / sponge to sop up the water to drink it / it / be, uh ... / five, four, three, two, ... / Uh, weaving a __? / 葉を編んで容器を作る？ / good guess. ... It's a chewed leaf. / Oh / they chew it first. They chew it first. / 最初に噛むんだよ。噛んで柔らかくした葉で水を吸い上げるんだ。そこまで言ってくれないと。 / Uh, of course. / 言うまでもなくね？ / Don't of-course me. / 言うまでもなくなくね？ / Huh, this is harsh. This is really harsh. / A danger call from a chimp ... / Yeah ... / ... can be heard through the forest for how far, approximately? I'm looking ... I'll give you to the nearest / meters / yards / I'll give you to the nearest ... half a kilometer. / 0.5 キロ刻みの精度で答えてくれていい。 / OK / miles and kilometers / but how far can you hear a chimp's danger call ... / Yeah. ... But __ __ my question to you is, if a chimp's making ... / about that / have you ever heard / if a chimp's making / call / hang on. Hang on a minute / for you / doesn't work like that / philosophical question / hear it, how do we know / sound / Ask him. / チンパンジーにきけばいい。 / Five. / ... Five what? / Kilometers. / Three kilometers / two miles. ... Oh, dear. One out of four __ __ Chimp Quiz. OK. / a worried chimp makes / face? / It smiles. ... Look__ like he's smiling. / shows his teeth. ... He does. ... And then ... / you can't pressure me to / point / what / do with his lips? / sticks them out / I'll give it to you. / それで正解ということにしてやろう。 / lip-__ing / I can't believe / give me that / chewed leaves. / so, __ __ changeable? / ... Chimpanzee populations are decreasing / Of course they are. It's terrible. / threatened / extinction / ... Population numbers are disputed ... / Yeah. / ... but estimates range from how many to how many chimps? / all right / between the ranges ... between the lowest estimate and the highest estimate / chimps / OK. Uh ... 200,000? / ... Oh, I wish we had a jingle. / Oh, really? / Chimp Quiz ! / Chimp Quiz ! / Bang on. Top end. 100,000 to 200,000 chimps / help / mother / a bit of an expert / still / allow it / I'm so happy / when the chimps have __ lengthy rest? What time of __ day? / I'm not talking about ... / mid afternoon / so, what / 2? 3? / after lunch / 昼食後？ / Not midday, I'm afraid. / 昼じゃない / They have their lunches early. / 昼じゃないよ。チンパンジーは昼食が早いんだ。だから。昼食後といってもまだ朝のうちだよ。/ chimps __ __ at 11 o'clock / make it / that is in / manbe / Monkey World / that / humans imposing that routine on them. / モンキー・ワールドにいる猿たちはそうかもしれないが、それは人間の都合によるものだ。 / Huh. / In the wild, / at / 11 / time / pretty prescriptive, 11__ is. ... What time ... / Yeah, / ... does a chimp ... __ is your last question / chance / equal Lloyd / you can't catch Korkey / ロイドと並ぶ可能性はあるが、コーキーに追いつく望みはない。 / Korkey is swinging / way above you, mate. ... Chimpanzees are waken at roughly what time? When would a chimpanzee wake up? / Uh, a chimpanzee ... / It's your last question. / ... uh, would normally / providing, you know / probably / been out / some sort of chimp's tea party the night before / would get up about / about ... six / why / come on / Why six? / 'cause that's when, you know, the sun comes out / I'll give it to you. It's dawn / thank you / four out of eight. You are / should have been / and a half / on the leaves ... the leaves ... I mean, / some sort of / it doesn't matter. __ __ no appeals / said / earlier. No appeals / you basically ... you / monkey man himself / congratulations, / Thank you. my mom __ __ me / Barry Castagnola. / 猿人間ロイドと並ぶ成績だ。よくやった。 / thank you / bring / next week / Monkey Quiz ... Chimp Quiz.

And if you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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